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When Shawn and I first knew that he had leukemia, we ran to God to help us. Over the past year, we prayed earnestly and were covered with hundreds of prayers from all those around us. All the prayers and loving actions of each person bowed our hearts in gratefulness...

Shawn suffered greatly and for a long time. But he discovered something incredible: the power of God that enables us to go through suffering victoriously. Shawn's ability to undergo countless discomforts and pain with a patient, gracious attitude touched the hearts of everyone around him. Once, a nurse commented "I don't understand how you can be so nice all the time when you feel so miserable." They were all glad to care for him and I was told that there would be arguments over who got to be his nurse

And not only that he was determined to fight. The last few weeks before he died, I had been trying to convince him to go back to St. Luke's to be closer to family and friends, because I could see that he was failing. Two days before he died, the doctors had a care conference in his room. They proposed a bone marrow biopsy to see if he was in remission. I was incredulous, for I could see that Shawn's health was fragile and a bone marrow biopsy is a stressful, painful procedure. Regardless, Shawn, who could barely speak, wrote "I want the biopsy, and if I'm in remission, I want to stay here." He fought to the end.

As for me, all along watching his pain - my heart grieved. And as I shared his suffering, my heart grew less and less able to bear it. I could not accept his suffering so patiently or even graciously. I would try to escape. Many days I could hardly make myself go to the hospital for it became the place where I had to let go of our life together, bit by bit. I tried to intercept every proposal for procedures and to challenge doctors as to the necessity of them. I was not always cordial to nurses, who became his primary caregivers and nurturers. I resented the endlessly interruptive, public cast our once-private relationship had. I once wrote, "oh Freddy, I lost sight of YOU amid a crowd of strangers..." But I, like Shawn, discovered God's power to transform and there were many days that I went to the hospital victoriously - not only to be there for Shawn, but to reach out to all the other lives around us there. I was then that beautiful things would happen - that love would happen.

More recently, I look up to God, struggling with the thought "If I had to lose Shawn, why did it have to be in such a long, arduous way?" And it came to me that if any of the many souls we encountered along the journey were moved toward the love of God - the price I paid was not too high...

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